patut atau tidak. itu saja pilihannya.

kalau dipikir- pikir, saya bukan tipe mahasiswa rajin yang membuat tugas jauh- jauh hari sebelumnya.
bukan tipe mahasiswa yang mengangkat tangan setiap kali dosen bertanya,
saya bahkan terlalu ragu untuk melakukan hal dasar seperti bertanya.
sebagian mental saya masih terjajah stereotip masa lalu, mental terjajah. mental malu-bertanya-tak-peduli-sesat-atau-tidak-di-jalan-toh-semua-ada-di-tangan-Tuhan.

saya juga bukan tipe mahasiswa seperti yang ayah saya nasihatkan, "Malam sebelum ada kelas besoknya, kamu buka ensiklopedia, atau baca- baca diktat dan buku pegangan mengenai topik yang akan dibahas besoknya, kan udah ada GBHPnya."

bukan, oh bukan, sama sekali bukan.

saya bahkan bukan tipe mahasiswa yang dengan mata melek memperhatikan tiap kata yang diucapkan dosen di kelas.
tapi saya juga terlalu malas untuk cekikikan bersama teman- teman saya yang lain, menggosipkan apa yang lagi hot di situs- situs pertemanan bergambar burung (atau paus yang kadang muncul jika si burung sedang rehat.)
saya hanya duduk diam, mengkhayal?

patutkah saya menggantungkan cita- cita saya setinggi langit?
bermimpi mengacungkan kartu keramat tersebut sambil memamerkan senyum sok penting saya sambil berkata, "It's fine, i'm with the press."
patutkah?
patutkah saya berada di barisan orang- orang tersebut yang mempertaruhkan nyawa demi menyebarkan kebenaran bagi masyarakat awam?
patutkah saya mengetik kata dan membongkar kasus jika sekarang, di jam 2 subuh,
saya masih di depan laptop mengetik tulisan bodoh ini?


tell me,
patutkah?

tukang ojekpun tahu

Malam yang dingin dan angin yang bertiup sepoi-sepoi,
perjalanan limabelasmenit setelah seratusduapuluhmenit yang kuhabiskan di depan sebuah benda portabel berbahan metal itu.
seratusduapuluhmenit yang kulewati dengan hati yang, tak bsa kupungkiri, panas.
seratusduapuluhmenit dimana wajah kasihan itu terpampang di depan mata,
sumpah serapahnya pun mau tak mau terbaca olehku yang tak buta aksara ini.
ya, mataku panas.
ya, hatiku panas.
tapi apa daya, aku ingat sebuah kalimat sederhana yang telah kudengar sejak kecil dulu,
"Kasihilah  musuh-musuhmu."
hanya bisa menelan ludah, aku menggerakkan jari dan menutup layar itu,
layar yang penuh makian dan hinaan
layar dimana pose dirinya tertera, pose yang mungkin menurutnya keren
senyum yang mungkin menurutnya mempesona.

kembali ke yang limabelasmenit
limabelasmenit yang dingin di atas jalanan aspal yang berlubang di sana sini
seorang tukang ojek sebagai teman bertukar cerita
dan motor bebek tua sebagai media pendukung cerita.

"Saya ndak ngerti. apa salahnya hidup damai?" begitu ucapnya, aku masih ingat.
"Toh ndak ada satu dari kita yang benar- benar benar, ya toh?" ucapnya dengan nada santai. ia berusaha menghindari bebatuan dan lubang- lubang yang terhampar di depan, berusaha menjaga agar aku tidak mengaduh.
aku mengangguk, walau ia tak bisa melihatku.
"Jalanan kenapa jelek sekali ya?" ia mengeluh sedikit, mungkin capai menghindar ke kanan dan kiri.
"Kalo saya sih cik, lebih suka menghormati satu sama lain. ya kayak ginilah, cik agamanya Keristen, saya Muslim, tapi toh kita bisa ngobrol tanpa saling menghina. mau Yesus, mau Muhammad, sama saja lah..."
saya kembali mengangguk, lalu menambahkan, "Yah, andai saja semua orang berpikir kayak om.."
ia tertawa. sebuah lubang di depan berhasil ia hindari.
"Menurut saya itu sih bodoh namanya, cik. bikin capek diri sendiri."
dan ia tertawa lagi, kali ini bukan karena lubang, tapi karena mengapresiasi perkataannya sendiri.
"saya aja tahu loh, kenapa mereka ndak ya?" ia menambahkan.

aku mengangguk kembali dan tersenyum.
walau ia pasti tak melihatku, dan mungkin bertanya-tanya apa aku tersinggung sehingga diam saja. topik perbincangan malam ini cukup sensitif ternyata.
tapi tidak, aku tidak tersinggung.
aku hanya kagum akan sebuah nalar yang sederhana dan logis.

benar, ia saja tahu loh.
tukang ojek saja tahu.

kenapa kalian tidak?

?

memang betul kata mereka.
cinta adalah parasit.
sedikit demi sedikit ia menggerogoti kehidupan
setiap amunisi senyum ia habiskan
setiap canda tawa dan selera humor menjadi garing
setiap kata yang tertulis menjadi manifestasi kenarsisannya,
tanpa sengaja lima huruf itu ada di setiap sudut kertas.
dengan sengaja, mungkin, ia mendistorsi tiap mimpi yang seharusnya kreatif dan orisinal  menjadi sebuah stereotip dangkal.

namun

puji Tuhan yang menciptakan alam semesta,
kini lima huruf itu terhapuskan.
entah penghapus siapa yang kupinjam
mungkin sang pemilik sekarang sedang mencarinya.

aku memang tak pernah membeli penghapus,
karena aku tak berniat menghapus.
tapi sekarang telah tiba saatnya,
agar lima huruf yang biasa menempati tiap sudut kertas,
semua pujian dan dambaan yang dahulu menyerap tiap hembusan nafas,
semua kedangkalan yang terus berputar menjadi satu lingkaran setan,
menjungkirbalikkan perasaan,
mempermainkan air mata yang mulai langka,
ya.
telah tiba waktu baginya untuk menghilang,
untuk dihapus.
peduli setan apakah penghapus itu pinjaman atau milik pribadi.

yang penting
adalah,
hapus.
hapus.
hapus.

ah, kertas itu kini kosong. senang rasanya.

menjadi penguntit

disini aku
di belakang benda metal ini, terpaku
menjadi penguntit
walau aku pun tak mengerti mengapa

batasan normal kulangkahi
hingga garis kewarasan mulai kabur
ceritamu dan ceritaku melebur menjadi satu
terserap aku dalam satu pusaran itu
satu dunia. dua cerita. berbeda. satu rasa
merasakanmu
merasakanku

padahal apa yang kulakukan?
aku hanya disini,
di belakang benda metal ini,

menjadi penguntit.

heartofworship

Heart of Worship

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart

i'll bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

chorus
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the things i've made it
when it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breath

continuously listening to this song.

i am completely speechless when it's all about you, Jesus

:)

yang kupuja.

Bukan nyanyian
pujian
sembah syukur
tangan yang terangkat
wajah yang menengadah
roti serta anggur
air mata yang terjatuh pelan
atau lidah yang berkelit,

hanya sebuah kata rindu
padaMU yang kerap kulupakan

things that i can be thankful of?

i was feeling a bit pathetic about myself for the last few days. sure, i had some busyness at the campus, but then after that, i got nothing else to do. so i went to the mall and spent hours sitting there in the most crowded part, brain walking. drop a tear or two. no smile. got people looking weird at me.
i was a mess.
than i went to the restroom and caught a glimpse of my reflection on the mirror. an ugly girl with messy hair and miserable face expression was starring back at me. i laughed to see such an ugly face, and figured out i can't be this pathetic. so i took out my cell phone and start writing something unnecessary.
really unnecesarry and a little cheesy.
but well, i guess i am one of those cheesy-kind-of-person. so ah whattheheck.
here it is:

things that youcan be thankful of:

1. you have your leg to bring you around! imagine if you're lame! (wrote this right after i saw a girl having to walk around the mal with crutches.)
2. you still have a mother and a father. you get to hug them anytime you come home! some people don't.(wrote this after i was being reminded by myself that some of my close friends aren't that lucky when it comes to family fulfillment.)
3. you get to continue your study at a university. some people don't. heck, a lot of people don't!
4. you are not crazy. your brain is working perfectly fine, so that when you face problems, you won't be mad and go nuts. you'll handle it with your mature thoughts.
5. your education is being paid a group of people! some people must work extra hard just to stay in theirs!
6. you have a job and that shows how mature you are. some people don't even have anything to do!
7. you get high scores on your exams. some must face the fact that they're incapable of knowledge. some drop out from college. some get their life messed up and never get to be successful in life. 
8. you're not making your parent's life hard. instead, you're kinda' giving them a breath of fresh air. do you know how noble your action is?
9. you're good at singing. some people must close their own ears just to sing. 
10. you're not bad at english. well at least you're kinda' good not to fail the exams. that stuff can actually make you look a bit intelligent and somehow...modern.
11. you have a GOD nes. some people don't. and they can get really crazy when they're depressed, because they have nowhere to turn to. they end up killing themselves with a large amount of medicines, or a gun, or a free fall from the roof top.

you are lucky.
SO WHAT if it's love. as people usually say, there's a lot of fish in the water! :)

yes people, so the core of the pathetic-miserable-face is, once again, arrrggh love life.
please understand if this post may sound a little narcissistic, i need 'em to boost my mood up.

angelsindisguise

maybe angels in disguise really do exist.
they barge in to you unexpectedly, when you're on your most breakdown.
they don't care if you're pathetic
if you spent a whole box of tissue to wipe away your stupid tears
if you look ugly with -what's-left-of-your-mascara- running down your cheek
or if you spend a lot of your monthly allowance on high fat snacks to accompany your moans

they're there to listen.
they don't ask you not to be you.
they're just there.
offering ears to listen.
and shoulder to cry on.
they won't say a word if you don't want to.
they will say one word that will lift you up when you need them to.

they smile
and say "everything's gonna be okay"
or they tell you the truth
and not complain if the truth they're saying will make you cry more
and keep them locked inside your pathetic world even more.

time don't keep them on schedule
so that they will leave you in the middle of your crying
or that they will cut your words down when you're confiding to them
they will be there till you're sick of them and ask them to leave
and they won't be mad at you if you do do that
because they understand.

they offer hope
and not sweet lies

and after you're awake
you won't find them anywhere near you
because they're out there,
helping another broken souls just like you

but hey, they won't leave you alone
they leave you their halo
so that when you look really closely at your upper head
you'll see it shining
and you'll know that you're not just dreaming about them.

late night imagination.

corrine may - angels in disguise playing on winamp.

no freakin' wonder.

random quote

What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could’ve been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
-rascallflats.

hits me to the core.
daaymm.